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Jan. 23rd, 2012

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

*climbing in my way back machine. LJ survey, what?!*

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Moved in with a gay man ♥

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
HOPEFULLY NOT lol I like the one I have

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
So far I've kept it. Get in there and blow it up.

3. What was your favourite moment of the year?
Spending 4th of July with mom and the kids...mom being here for mommom's birthday

4. Did anyone close to you give birth?

5. What was your least favourite moment of the year?
Getting fired. Well that was bittersweet. That place was the pits but I love money and I miss being with Calen every day.

6. What will you do differently in 2012?
Probably nothing. I always say I'll try to be nicer but it never happens and I don't want to set myself up for failure. What I will do is take a series of actions to better situations in my life that make me unhappy & inevitably I will be nicer.

7. What are your plans for 2012?
Get a new job, buy a car, visit mom & Sarah and have a ball. Be a good mommy & girlfriend. Moving into a townhouse.

8. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes...Ms. Hedy died on New Years Eve

9. What countries did you visit?

10. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in most of 2011?
A CAR. And patience.

11. What will you not be doing in '12?
I for sure won't be accepting anything less than what I deserve as I've done soooo many times in the past.

12. Any trips planned?
Going to the sunshine state this summer :D and probably mini-trips to OC and DE

13. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
probably none...it was a weird year all around

14. Wedding plans?
Unless I am attending one of my friends' weddings, no

15. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I've grown up quite a bit...there have been a lot of times where I've used good judgement and maturity in place of just flying off the handle and being a nut.

16. What was your biggest failure?
Not putting my job before other, smaller things which added up to a huge clusterfuck and therefore leading to my firing.

17. How many weddings did you go to?

18. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really. Bruised bones and fucked my right foot up like 10 times but nothing extreme

19. What was the best thing you bought?
My TV haha.

20. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My sister, no doubt. She went from being in a horrible relationship with some really bad circumstances to pulling a complete 180 and really showing her best side. I'm extremely proud of her.

21. What happened in '11 that you didn't think would ever happen?
Me & Tim moving in together lol

22. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone I dated over the summer made me appalled but not depressed. I was very shocked and appalled by how STUPID he is but life is a learning experience. Also Johnny...he showed us all how big of a liar and manipulator he is...I would have never in a million years thought him capable of the shit he pulled over the summer. Apparently Summer 2011 was just a disgusting summer.

23. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. On the kids. And furniture. And the TV.

24. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My new boyfriend! He's the best.

25. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Unfortunately probably Party Rock because it just always seemed to be playing. If not that, probably New Again because that always seemed to be playing as well.

26. Will you better your relationship with your family?
With everyone besides Kristen.

27. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? my lips are sealed on that one
iii. richer or poorer? poorer ):

28. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Being serious. I goofed off a lot where I should have been more serious.

29. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Partying. My God.

30. What lyrics will you remember most from 2011?
I won't type them!

31. Who did you miss?
No one really. I had all the people in my life that I needed. Probably just mom & Sarah

32. Who was the best new person you met?
IDK. I already knew everyone and all the new people I met were stupid

33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
You don't have to have the best of everything, but you have to make the best of what you have.

34. Favorite song lyrics of the year:
Even I can't recall how many days I had been out there for
But when Aurora's lights ceased to shine I was alive, I think for the first time
Infinity it falls in feathery folds but she bites, like loveless ice
And with her belly full she carved this rite of passage
It was the longest night of my life

35. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn't have in 2011?
A house

Jan. 15th, 2012

yeah buddy playlist action

*Nighttime is the Right Time* (not in order, must shuffle)

this is just a good playlist for J smoking, getting ready for sleep or getting down to business

Straylight Run - Existentialism on Prom Night
The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever
Incubus - 11 am
A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras
Deftones - 976-EVIL
Incubus - Admiration
Deftones - Passenger
Silversun Pickups - All the Go Inbetweens
Kings of Leon - Arizona
Incubus - Are You In?
30 Seconds to Mars - Year Zero
Deftones - Be Quiet and Drive
Deftones - Bloody Cape
Best Coast - Boyfriend
RHCP - Can't Stop
Deftones - Cherry Waves
Peter Bjorn & John - The Chills
Kings of Leon - Closer
Joan Jett & The Blackhearts - Crimson & Clover
Deftones - Diamond Eyes
Incubus - Dig
Deftones - Digital Bath
Taking Back Sunday - Divine Intervention
RHCP - Dosed
Incubus - Earth to Bella Pt 1
Incubus - Echo
Foo Fighters - Floaty
Brand New - Guernica
RHCP - I Could Die For You
RHCP - I Could Have Lied
Incubus - I Miss You
Incubus - Isadore
Brand New - Jaws Theme Swimming
Incubus - Just a Phase
Deftones - Kimdracula
Deftones - Knife Prty
Death Cab For Cutie - Lightness
Silversun Pickups - Melatonin
Deftones - Moana
Taking Back Sunday - My Blue Heaven
Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year
Brand New - Not The Sun
Taking Back Sunday - One Eighty By Summer
Incubus - Quicksand
Interpol - Rest My Chemistry
Deftones - Sextape
Incubus - Stellar
Brand New - Tautou
Coconut Records - West Coast
Deftones - Xerces
Tool- 4 Degrees
A Perfect Circle - The Hollow
A Perfect Circle - Magdalena
A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless
and anything by Explosions in the Sky

there is much much more...but I'm listening to Nighttime is the Right Time right now and I'm too tired to continue :D

Dec. 24th, 2011

and ever

I feel the same tenderness for you that a lion feels for the poor prey it is about to devour.

Dec. 15th, 2011

I haven't slept in 2 days, I've bathed in nothing but sweat

I really ought to go to sleep.

I haven't been sleeping very well lately.

I am either awake until near 3 am or

I wake up around 4:15 and can't fall back asleep until about 5:30.

I never had a problem sleeping.

Not sleeping is turning me into a weirdo.

I barely talk during the day, I listen to everyone else and have a running commentary in my head.

I can barely hear what they're saying because I'm too busy cutting them down in my mind.

Their grammar, their punctuation.

I have a red pen out in my mind and I'm just grading every word.

I want things I know I can't have...or that won't come easily. If the things I want come to me at all, they'll come kicking and screaming, and when I possess them I'll no longer want them.

When did I become so self absorbed? I've used "I" 17 times.

19 by now.

Being restless is torturous.

Will lay in bed now & stare at the ceiling while listening to Let's Make Out playlist.

Dec. 1st, 2011

oh btw

It normally takes me about a year to warm up to new Incubus albums but I must say I am madly in love with If Not Now, When? And this song is my fave on the album.

The Original
I only go where I'm wanted
You go only where you want
I aim to be more like you
There is a ghost in my house
Rattling handles on every door
Show us an open window or two
Would you?

Doors are starting to close
And you drew a rose my, my
Your mind it is original, oh
You're a skeleton key, opening me,
My, my; your mind it is original,
Girl you're the original
Always were
And always will be

The flowers of adaptation
Unfold and lovingly alarm
You effortlessly ring that bell
Your stripes are yours and yours only
The bow ideal of rare birds
And now I am under your spell
Oh, under your spell

Doors are starting to close
And you drew a rose my, my
Your mind it is original, oh
You're a skeleton key, opening me,
My, my; your mind it is original,
Girl you're the original
Always were
And always will be

what are you running from, and may I interfere?

I have been doing so much thinking lately and I haven't been doing any writing whatsoever...so weird because normally I have so much to say and so many opinions to share. I've just kind of taken a back seat and started watching and listening instead of speaking so much lately. Just processing information, however meaningless.

I digress

I've moved in with Tim and things are going well...we have a lot of fun here and there's definitely a family atmosphere. It's so funny because everyone that I tell I'm living with Timmy is like "I could totally picture it" which I'm hoping is a good thing. Still working on the job situation. I just refuse to find a job that's going to pay less than I make in unemployment. That's definitely not going to happen for me. I'll have my car soon and once Calen gets back from maternity leave she said she can hire me which will be so rad. I miss my lady ): we never get to hang anymore. I know we're both crazy busy plus she's ready to have the baby ♥ I'm so excited to meet him!

I resumed and then disconnected my friendship with a certain "friend" (again). I really don't know why we can't behave like normal, civilized people and just have a regular friendship. We love each other TO DEATH and always have each other's backs, but sometimes it's like...fuck...get it together. Everything I do comes under scrutiny, right down to every Facebook post, and it's beyond ridiculous. Especially when this individual does the most sketchy shit, is constantly with this girl or that, thrives on nothing but attention, can dish out "jokes" but definitely can't take them...really I could go on to list every single thing he does that makes me want to throw up blood but he is my friend and I don't want to be that way towards him. Not when we have had such a good friendship. I just wish that people would extend to me the same courtesies I extend to them instead of being one sided pricks. Maybe it's me. I'm probably getting soft in my old age and just more emotional about things. Whatevs.

There is a certain person of the male persuasion that I am very pleased with(: It's the best feeling ever to have an actual conversation with a guy that cares about what I'm saying instead of it being a painful convo where I'm like "oh my God don't you have anything to do right now? Can we hang up yet?" and then I go take silent shots of vodka while I suffer through the phone call. I've done that before. It isn't fun! I really like this guy. When he's around I have such a good time and I'm just laughing or smiling the whole time. We actually talk on the phone which is sweet. I mean I am an olympic texter and I do like texting him but I definitely like talking on the phone too. We're taking our time and not rushing into things which is so important. I can't even begin to describe how many times I've been rushed into a relationship only to find a month or two later that I can not stand the person I'm in the relationship with and sabotaging things. I don't want that to happen here at all. I'm definitely feeling him & I am so excited to see where things go!!

I'm beyond ready for 2012...2011 was bananas.

I am one big, fleeting errant contradiction
It's so good to meet you
We are one in the same

Sep. 17th, 2011

I Can't Pretend I Don't Need to Defend Some Part of Me From You -Interpol

I wish you could just be nice all the time instead of being such a fucking prick 80%.

Sep. 15th, 2011

oh yeah, that's done

one phrase sums up how I feel right now...like PERFECTLY

"now my only consolation is that this could not last forever even though you're singing and thinking how well you've got it made"

I'm pretty sure Brandon Boyd had to feel exactly the way I feel today when he wrote those lyrics.

yeah, it's just a phase and I'm waiting for it to be over too, yeah I hope...

Sep. 10th, 2011

you're a voice that never sings...

What did you learn tonight?
You're shouting so loud, you barely enjoy this broken thing.
You're a voice that never sings, that's what i say.
You are freezing over hell,
You are bringing on the end, you do so well
you can only blame yourself, that's what I say.

for some reason this chorus just speaks to me lately. Every time I hear this song lately, idk it kind of just resonates within me. The whole song is good but this part...it reminds me of a lot of boys I used to know, and some of the boys I know now. Maybe it's because I've been in my way back machine hanging out with old friends, which I love. Especially since we were all each other's second family in high school. It's horrible that we all grew apart the way we did, starting with me graduating ): well now that we're all grown up (for the most part) maybe we can repair these rips in our friendships...

Aug. 15th, 2011

are you afraid to say what you want to, tell me you want to

Dude I'm fucking beeeeaaaaat. This last week kicked the shit out of me. I'm definitely going to take a more mellow approach to the weekends now with the kids being home. Which basically means me & Danielle living it up in my living room lol. August has been the most bullshit month of the whole damn year, and it's only 15 days in. I mean, I have had A LOT of fun...don't get me wrong...but also just a ton of bullshit. Bullshit excuses, bullshit behavior and bullshit attitudes. Oh well, it's halfway over. Then next month me & the kids move out of this apartment and get a fresh start....Carter goes back to daycare tomorrow morning bright and early which I think we're all a little stoked about...then Kimberly goes back to school in 2 weeks. Time is just flying. He'll be four in less than a month. CRAZY. Welllll I'm going to clean my room and listen to some tunes.

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